I had it. All the symptoms, signs, steps, you name it, of grief, depression, despair, heartbreak. It was apparent in me, through me, around me ... I was deeply caught up in it. I haven't felt this low, this sort of unbearable, can't help but collapse into tears and sorrow kind of miserable feeling since our first pregnancy ended in miscarriage. This time was different, though. It came upon me in such a force, I couldn't control it, couldn't stop it. And this time, I was not alone to deal with my pain. I have four other very dear lives dependent on my--thankfully usually, balanced state. Their lives would definitely be affected. And this time, there was no loss ...
My husband who just recently finished residency decided to take part in a once in a life time opportunity--participate in the 2500 Anniversary of the Athens Marathon--In Athens, Greece. We were all going initially, to take part of his goal and adventure and celebrate the end of our med school/resident journey that we survived together. We have the blessing of being obviously extremely fertile. We found out in May that we were expecting our fourth--planned, just planned though, the month before :) That changed things. Our joint plans of going were thwarted since I'd be so far along (I'm officially in the first week of our 3rd trimester today in fact!) yet he did not altar his plans, nor was it expected of him to have change his original thoughts of continuing on the journey, just now minus us. I felt so abandoned and sad about it. It's never fun to feel as if you're the one who has to sacrifice. It was a joint decision to have number 4 at this time in our life, why is it that I feel I've made the majority of sacrifices throughout each of the four's beginnings and lives?? There you have it--The cause of my hurt. I felt left out.
Since July, I have progressively become more and more sad and mad leading up to the day that October 1st came. Our schedule was slammed, mine affected as well as his, due to a month's worth of his shifts being condensed to the first 2 weeks of October in order to free up the last 2 weeks for his 12 day vacation/adventure at the end of the month. No date nights worked in, his free time was centered on working in trainings. Thus began an entire month of pretty much solo parenting. Felt as if we had never left residency ...
Ava is at an age to truly soak in the experience so, we long ago decided she should still go. And I think that is where the actual depression and darkness sank in. I had never been away from her for that long--she is only 4, and my first born, only daughter, the inspiration for Little Birds, my passion, my perfect helper, my independent one! Her presence was missed more than I could have ever imagined. Not just for me, but in Leo and Maximus as well. But it wasn't just the missery of missing her, I was envious of her. Seeing Greece with John, when I hadn't, going on a vacation, when I wasn't, a vacation I felt I earned and deserved just as much as he, experiencing all of these magnificent sites together while the other part of our family unit stayed behind ... I was jealous! Jealous of John, jealous of Ava, jealous of my in laws for being the one to greet him at the finish line of a race that I had helped him prepare for ... I got caught up in all of this negative energy and it affected me. I walked through these past 12 days on autopilot, thankful for my routined schedule with the boys. Thankful each night for their early and predictable bedtimes ...
Ava is at an age to truly soak in the experience so, we long ago decided she should still go. And I think that is where the actual depression and darkness sank in. I had never been away from her for that long--she is only 4, and my first born, only daughter, the inspiration for Little Birds, my passion, my perfect helper, my independent one! Her presence was missed more than I could have ever imagined. Not just for me, but in Leo and Maximus as well. But it wasn't just the missery of missing her, I was envious of her. Seeing Greece with John, when I hadn't, going on a vacation, when I wasn't, a vacation I felt I earned and deserved just as much as he, experiencing all of these magnificent sites together while the other part of our family unit stayed behind ... I was jealous! Jealous of John, jealous of Ava, jealous of my in laws for being the one to greet him at the finish line of a race that I had helped him prepare for ... I got caught up in all of this negative energy and it affected me. I walked through these past 12 days on autopilot, thankful for my routined schedule with the boys. Thankful each night for their early and predictable bedtimes ...
They come home today! The missing third of our Nest arrives tonight!!! We have missed them so :) Leo Said he was going to run super fast up to daddy and give a really big hug and kiss and ask him about his race :) He cannot wait to see Ava too--Maximus just might pass out in all the excitement! We are such a close knit family in so many ways, the distance from extended family, the ages of the kids, the way we choose to live out our life, anyone's absence affects us, but for such a period, WOW, I've never experienced such a void. Scary how easily it engulfed me and altered our week. I have since pulled through and will get over this. Glad it is finally coming to an end and we can put Greece far behind us and move forward to November. I felt, though that I needed to explain my absence. My inspiration was in Greece!
